… do you remember when Blue Peter used to bake a cake for their cats and dogs birthdays? I always thought the cakes looked so good but of course they were just made of dog food covered with some kind of cream cheese frosting… so my sugar-free baking exploits started this last weekend and let’s just say it was very hit and miss. It’s a lot of faff and you’ve got to be either totally allergic to stuff (and I mean to the point of death) or super-dedicated to want it to work because the results aren’t pretty, no matter what anyone will tell you. It’s not worth it. Genuinely I would rather eat a lifetime of proper sugar and butter and go to an early grave than to have to force myself through this shit again. Now of course I may be over-reacting slightly because i’ve tried baking a lot of gluten-free and dairy-free stuff recently and really enjoyed it…. and yes, I do have an adverse reaction to fads of the Deliciously Ella kind but I baked three sugar-free cakes over the course of the weekend; one of which was inedible – see below, one of which was passable and one of which was delicious but very worthy and looked like dog food so i’m not sure it was worth the effort.. I prepped way ahead of time and purchased a whole bunch of cool-sounding ingredients such as apple puree and raw cacao, which I am sure I will put to good use but either i’ve got a long way to go in this sugar-free game or i’m just not cut out for it… or maybe I’m one of the unlucky ones who can clearly see that the Emperor is not wearing any clothes…
sugar-free beetroot and chocolate cake with an avocado chocolate frosting
my heart sinks… I really wanted this to be the cake that revolutionises my sugar-free world. It’s a Deliciously Ella recipe for goodness sake and OK, I adapted it a little here and there but essentially it’s the same and isn’t she supposed to be the uber-millennial who has her vegan, sugar-free finger on the pulse of everything that is healthy eating? So my thinking is three-fold… a) i’ve got the recipe completely wrong and actually it’s a very nice cake, b) it’s a disgusting cake but nobody has ever actually said no to Miss Ella because she surrounds herself with yes-men and c) because they’ve grown up in this intolerance tolerent world these poor millennials haven’t actually every tasted real cake with real ingredients and therefore have no idea what good cake actually tastes like so for them, this vile textured creature is delicious… who the fuck knows? I certainly won’t be making it again or pretending that the avocado frosting was a fucking revelation because it was nasty…
… but because you ask so nicely, here’s the recipe…
for the cake
250g beetroot – peeled and boiled
200g ground almonds
350g apple purée
300ml maple syrup or agave
6 tbsp raw cacao powder
for the frosting
1 x large, very ripe avocado
1 x small ripe banana
4 tablespoons raw cacao powder
3 tablespoons maple syrup
preheat oven to 190C or 170C fan and grease and line a 22cm cake tin with vegetable oil
precious Ella suggests steaming your beetroot but if you don’t have a spare year then either peel and boil it or buy it pre-cooked (not pickled!) Allow it to cool, place it in a large bowl and blend till smooth – this takes seconds in a food processor or with a stick blender.
peel and stone the avocado and place this along with the peeled banana into a large bowl – add the cacao powder and maple syrup and whizz the whole lot up with a stick blender (again this can also be achieved in a food processor) – add a little water if it’s too thick, then taste and up the maple syrup if you feel it’s not sweet enough
spread it all over the top of the cake once it’s cooled
eat and of course, enjoy!
Dom, this made me laugh out loud … thank you for going there, so we don't have to. Love it!
my pleasure… it was rather horrid. Looks pretty though.
I expressed exactly the same sentiments today in work. If my only vice is sugar, I can live with it, and die young. Honestly, I think I would been better saying I eat dog poo for the reaction I got. All this whilst surrounded by people eating 'low fat, low sugar processed food'!!! Really enjoying your recipes, working backwards, slowly.
“These poor millennials haven't actually every tasted real cake with real ingredients and therefore have no idea what good cake actually tastes like…” I LOVE you, Dominic Franks. This is genius and so true.
Brilliant! I tried making her sweet potato brownies and they were also rather nasty. This definitely hits the nail on the head I think: “because they've grown up in this intolerance tolerent world these poor millennials haven't actually every tasted real cake with real ingredients and therefore have no idea what good cake actually tastes like so for them, this vile textured creature is delicious”
Ha! I also wrote this about her Raw Brownies: http://lemonandcheese.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/raw-brownies.html
You are a very brave man for doing this and thank you. Thank you for pointing out what a pile of shit some of these recipes can be. x
Thanks so much! My sugar-free days are most definitely over…
thanks babe… anything to please you! xx
oooh, that looks um… nice?
pleasure Danny… you know I honestly could have gone two ways with this and lied about how lovely it was but I think it makes an interesting post and sometimes the truth is funnier than anything I could have made up xxx
You've summed up my own thoughts very succinctly! I think these self-proclaimed 'wellness' gurus tolerate less flavour than we ordinary mortals would want, as they can't back down from their principles.
There are very few cakes where you can get enough sweetness from the ingredients you add, rather than using some form of sugar. I managed it a while ago but the cake had 650g dried fruit and a banana in it, so the sugar in the fruit was quite a substantial amount.
Thanks Suelle, you're so right… they can't back down! I also made your banana and date loaf this weekend which was SO much nicer but indeed the amount of fruit sugars was so high that it kind of cancels out the no-sugar vibe.
Nice, but still naughty, I suppose! 😉
I think an awful lot of so-called healthy foods are healthy simply because they are so foul that you don't eat them. Chia seed and goji berry courgette muffins, anyone? I can't eat sugar any more, and so I no longer eat cake. I've made a couple of forays into sugar free baking and they have been utterly filthsome and disgusterous. I'd rather stick to good, honest savoury food than eat cranky and rather repellent sugar free “sweet” stuff. And yes, I agree with you about the emperor's new clothes.
Jane
Bravely said, Dom! Emporer's clothes indeed!
Wish I can have a bite ! The texture looks so very moist.
Kristy
Oh Dom! Brilliant! This has to be the BEST blog post I have read in a long time! For its honesty and exposure of reality….. Thank you for not only making me smile, but for reassuring me that I am not the only one out there struggling with the 'everything tastes better raw or sugar free…. really' message. I truly feel for those who have no option but to eat it and I hope that they get some enjoyment out of it…
I started my own blog because I really didn't want to expose Miss GF to shit food. Okay…. gluten free is not the same as sugar free, but there are some really awful products out there masquerading as food for those of us that can't eat gluten, and we are supposed to smile and say 'yum…. thanks…. you've brought doughnut/bread/cake back into my world'. Well that's not good enough! If it doesn't taste/look/feel nice, then it is not good enough…..
So well done you! x
Hahaha, sorry to laugh, but I just can't help it Dom. I very much hope this has stopped you in your tracks on the path to “clean eating” – dreaded phrase. It actually sounds like it ought to taste nice, but …